This too shall pass

So where does it go, the grief? What is the chemical thing happening in me? Is it hormonal, or some endocrine function?



Losing my mother is not the first time I have felt deep sadness. And I have always wondered how it is that thoughts and images which, a few days ago, would have me melting down into a puddle of tears, now can invoke simply quiet sadness and reflection.



The day before Mom died, the Hospice nurse sat us three girls down and told us we needed to tell Mom, one by one, that it was okay for her to go, whenever she was ready. We needed to give her permission to leave us. She acknowledged that this would be very difficult. And she also told us that, even though Mom had been adamant that we not "blubber" over her, that if we cried it was okay.



When my turn came, I sat with Mom and held her hand. She was awake and responsive. I told her I loved her and would miss her, she had been a great mom, and it was okay for her to go, whenever she was ready. "Go where?" She asked. Tears came and I said, "Gee I don't know. Wherever it is you are going next." She sort of nodded, and then asked why I was crying. I said I couldn't help it, and she opened her arms to hug me and comfort me. This made me cry all the harder and I think I even saw a tiny tear squeeze out from Mom's own eye. She was never one to cry for anything, anytime. That's another whole story.



But even this memory over the last week has been one of the most powerful emotional provocations to tears ever, now, after conjuring it up, consciously at times, unbidden at others, it is losing its fire and bite, and I can almost reflect on the moment without the deep sorrow.

I want to learn more about the biochemistry of this transition.

I know there are stages of grief, steps we go through to reach a state of acceptance. But I am interested to know how the body does this. It seems to be biological and involuntary, though we can control the timing of it some.